Annual UVic Regatta Takes Few Casualties

1 12 2009

Take five kilometres of ocean channel. Throw in seven sharp turns, three bridges, four rocky outcroppings, and a set of waves rivalling white water rapids. Now stick approximately 340 costumed athletes in 84 rowing shells of varying sizes. The result? Utter chaos and anarchy. Welcome to the Head of the Gorge.

Nicknamed the Hog, the regatta takes place on the Gorge Waterway in Victoria B.C.

Beginning at Johnson Street Bridge downtown, the finish line lies in Craigflower park approximately five kilometres away. Rowers race in traditional head race format: one boat at a time with about ten seconds between crews, time trialing for the fastest.

Hosted annually by the University of Victoria’s rowing team, the race traditionally attracts costume-clad athletes from all over the region. 2009’s regatta, which fell on October 24 proved popular with a turnout of over 20 clubs sending crews, including an eight from the Victoria Training Center.  “It’s one of our best fundraisers of the year,” says Howie Campbell, long time head coach for the UVic men’s rowing team. “We try to make this a regatta that everyone keeps coming back to.”

Despite the endless planning and preparation by the UVic athletes, this year’s regatta was not without its setbacks. The early morning started with a five-knot tide, making navigation through the narrows difficult.

Traditionally, athletes launch their boats out of Craigflower Park, and row up to the start line before racing back. Officials guide boats one by one through the charging current under the narrow Tillicum Bridge pass, but the steep tide made it more difficult than usual. “It took us 20 minutes to get 10 boats through,” remarked Daniel Hamson, 24, who rows with the UVic lightweight team. “That’s two minutes a boat, and much more time than usual.”

Crews joked with each other while waiting in line, comparing costumes and trying to get ahead of nearby teams. The delay in the narrows left the regatta well over an hour delayed for the morning race, and when all boats had finally made it to the starting line a barge entered the waterway, circling to its dock while sending stray crews scurrying out of the way.

 “It wouldn’t be a UVic regatta without problems,” joked Richard Herlinveaux, one of the varsity heavyweights. “It wasn’t enough to be delayed in the narrows. They had to send a barge in too.”

Aside from the morning delays however, the logistics went fairly smoothly; the only other problems being small such as a few flipped boats and broken rudders.

Brent Dalimore, another of the UVic varsity men encountered such a problem as he headed back through the narrows in his single sculls race. Rowing over a rock that was slightly too high under the water, his stern alarmingly jumped in the air. But like a pro, Dalimore just smiled and rowed on.

 “I went to go look at the crash site after the races had passed,” Coach Campbell said laughing. “There was a fin shaped chunk out of the rock in the narrows.”

 “Not so narrow anymore.” Dalimore joked back.

The day finished well for all clubs, with UVic scraping up five first place finishes, five second places, and a third place finish. The University of British Columbia also finished well, coming first in the Women’s Varsity eight.

Top three finishes can also be attributed to the Gorge Rowing and Paddling Center, Victoria Training Center, Everett Rowing Club, and Victoria City Rowing Club.

So as the organizers pulled up the last of the finish line markers, and the last trailers pulled away from Craigflower Park, the sun set on five kilometres of ocean channel, seven sharp turns, three bridges, four rocky outcroppings, and a set of waves calming for the night.

Note: This was the sports cover story project. I actually got quite a good mark on it :)





A Murder Most Formal

1 12 2009

In a world where social hierarchy is predicated upon the clothes you are wearing, it doesn’t always pay to look good. 

The evening-gown-clad body of a male was discovered in an ally behind Mo’s Tavern in Springfield, Massachusetts early this morning. An area known for trafficking illegal substances, The body was found around 4:30 a.m. by a homeless man out for a smoke.

Police and ambulance arrived at approximately 4:50 a.m., and the body was taken to Royal Jubilee Hospital where he was pronounced dead on arrival at 5:30 a.m.

The name of the victim will not be released until next of kin have been notified, but police have disclosed that foul play is suspected.

Note: This was our crime story for journalism…We were given fake crimes (haha) and it was just a short blurb about the story.





a short bit about the torch relay

1 11 2009

Short and sweet between classes:

The big news these days is the whole hooplah regarding the olympic torch relay… (Definatly about to gain myself some haters.) Personally I’m not stoked on the whole shebang.

I mean, the torch relay originated from the Nazi’s parading the glorified torch to Berlin. Yay.

To start off with, the Olympics is no longer soley about the athletes that are competing. It is about which country can raise the most money to have the quote “best Olympics.” For those of you who don’t read between the lines they mean who has the biggest most stellar venues and the coolest techno ceremonies. I mean, look at Beijing. All we heard about was “that will be a hard one to top,” and then a whole cofuffle of rightious slander about the little Chinese girl who could-sing-and-wasn’t-cute and her cute-but-can’t-sing counterpart,  and the petite chinese gymnasts who were DEFINATLY not above the legal competing age and that of course was the ONLY reason the USA didn’t win gold in all round… But I digress.

Torch relay comes down McKenzie, first car following the hundreds of dollars worth of security=a coca cola car. Talking about the first time they ever drank coke. Cause that has to do with how fast we ski down the hills doesn’t it? After a mess of capatilistic corporation cars comes the torchbearer–or at least we THINK it was the torchbearer–surrounded by hulky security-wanna-be’s who got degraded into running in a surrounding formation around the torchbearer. For those who have a taste in movies, think The Gods Must Be Crazy where the children are forced to walk in a circle around the terrorist. Same deal basically. So if you could actually see the torchbearer woopdydoo. You had to waste your life trying to ignore the reminissing Coca Cola bastards.

Also: if it’s going to be a big celebration of the torch (which is actually like, a million torches they transfer the flame so it should really be called the “flame relay”) they shouldn’t dress their bearers so ridiculously. The suits look like the five-dollar rain suits you get at Crappy Tire and wear once.

This could be construed as nit-picky. So sue me.

Edit: I’m not sure why this didn’t post before… Sorry!





How to write a paper in university

22 10 2009

1. Sit down in front of the computer in a comfy chair in a well-lit room.
2. Read over the assignment to make sure you understand it.
3. Turn on computer, and log onto msn and skype. Make sure to do this RIGHT AWAY.
4. Check your email.
5. Go to the kitchen and make some soup. You’ll find it easier to concentrate if you know you won’t be interrupted  by a growling stomach.
6. Sit down in front of the computer in a comfy chair in a well-lit room.
7. Check your email.
8. Check facebook. You know you’ll do this eventually so might as well get it out of the way.
9. Read over the assignment to make sure you understand it.
10. Get a drink from the kitchen. Staying hydrated is important.
11. Log onto tvshack and watch the newest episodes of The Office House Bones Grey’s Anatomy and that one you never usually watch but have heard is good.
12. Read over assignment to be thoroughly certain that you understand it.
13. Call your friend to see if they have started yet. They haven’t. Sit and talk about what a jerk the prof is and how lame his class his and how stupid the paper is.
14. Get a snack from the kitchen–you might as well brew some coffee/tea while you’re there.
15. Sit in front of the computer in a comfy chair in a - room.
16. Read over the assignment–just in case.
17. Log onto facebook, people’s statuses are sure to be changed by now. There’s probably a new photo album or two as well.
18. Chat on facebook for a while. You haven’t talked to those people in a long time!
19. Get up and look for that package of gum. There’s one in here somewhere.
20. Sit down  infront of the computer. In a comfy chair. In a - room.
21. Check your email. Check facebook. Check skype.
22. Curl up on the floor in the fetal position and weep into the carpet.
23. Hope someone will hear you moan and offer their paper from last year.
24. Punch the wall.
25. Mumble profanities under your breath.
26. 5:00AM-Start your paper, fingers typing like mad. Be done by 6:00AM.
27. Complain to anyone who will listen (or won’t listen) that you didn’t get any sleep cause you had to stay up all night writing that stupid paper.
28. Hand paper in, sleep through class.





Three Half-Wits and an Afrit

2 10 2009

Hola I’m baccckk! Didn’t disapear forever. Found this the other day while packing and thought it was worth a share. Wrote it in grade nine with a friend of mine. I was clever back then (what happened?) haha enjoy!

[Princes A B and C enter talking amiably]
Prince A: –And so I slapped her!
Prince B: Hilarious! Truly, you are a master storyteller.
Prince A: Among other things
Prince C: All true, friends, but I am confused methinks.
Prince B: How so?
Prince C: How did the elephant fit her inside the teacup?
Prince A: Clearly you have never encountered one of the fearful beasts!
Prince B: A terrible thing to be sure, but it reminds me of a more pressing matter.
Prince A: And what is that?
Prince B: I have forgotten the purpose of our journey, I fear.
Prince A: A conflagragation easily remedied, friend. We are journeying to the fabled Tower of Rooms, to have our greatest wishes granted by the powerful half-wit dwelling within!
Prince C: Do you not mean the Tower of DOOM? And the Afrit?
Prince A: That is what I have just said! The Tower of Doom and the Half-Wit.
Prince C: Afrit.
Prince A: The very same!
Prince B: By mine tooth! There it lurks, atop yon hill!
Prince A: Verily, now we must inebriate our plan, and wake the loathsome creature.
Prince B: But how?
Prince C: Mayhap the knocker?
Prince A: Aye, that might work.
[Prince C knocks upon the door and waits for a bit]
Prince B: Nothing has resurged from the tower…
Prince C: Well, how can we be sure?
Prince A: What meanest thou?
Prince C: What if it is of a different appliance than we expect?
Prince B: You mean it could show itself as a mouse, and so take us by surprise?
Prince C: We must be wary of any such tricks.
Prince A: Nay, my brothers. Such a villiam as the Half-Wit is far too vain to take such a form.
Prince B: The demon will only show itself in a grand and spectacled fashion you mean?
Prince A: Precintly!
Prince C: Then let us rejoice, for the beasts own adamance will lead to its defeat.
[All cheer and laugh]
Prince C: But hark! I hear the foal cackling of the Afrit!
[Afrit enters]
Afrit: Who dares disturb me when I slumbered? Hear me now, their days are numbered!
Prince A: We are noble princes three, jouneyed here to vanquish you, and leave you prostate upon the ground!
Prince B: Aye, and then you shall grant our wishes, whowering us with game and gory.
Prince C: Hah-hah! You have no chance, fiend! Have at me!
Afrit: That will be unnecessary. I have heard the ceaseless yammering of your vacrous three, and I am convinced that you couldn’t tell a valedictorian from a valetudinarian. I will willingly grant your desires, for I have not laughed for many a moon.
Prince C: …eh?
Afrit: I’m going to grant your wishes without a fight.
Prince A: Very well, oh gregarious spirit. I shall go first.
Afrit: Hurry your ass up.
Prince A:  A kingdom’s greatest tool is it’s army. But an army requires pay. In order to ensure that my kingdom is never lacking in miasmic might, I wish for unligitimate wealth.
[Afrit Chuckles]
Afrit: Done. An original wish to be sure. I forsee an entertaining show ahead. Next!
Prince B: I will have my wish granted next. I believe the greatest thing in life to be the embracery of love. Thus a man should aquit as many fine women as he can to become his wives. Rather than wish for a remora of beautiful wives, I shall instead wish for bovine beauty for myself. For if a man can attract as many women as he desires, what need has he for an existing supply?
Afrit: Indeed, as is a man neet it not, then why would a bull?
[laughs]
Prince C: Both of you are fools. You throw away your wishes on things that can easily be attended if you have enough time. This is why my wish will be far more rapacious than both of them combined! Afrit, I wish for ephermal life!
[The afrit bursts into uncontrollable laughter]
Afrit: An interesting girl, and not one I would desire, at that. But if you really want to take the poltroons way out, you are welcome to it. When you return to your respective kingdomes your wishes shall be granted upon your first step into your castle. Be ya gone from my doorway, noble princes, and make all due haste home, for I greatly wish to see my handiwork in action!
Prince B: What a queer fellow. I fear I am auspicious.
Prince A: Worry ye not, for victory is ours. Come, let us retrun to our homelands so that burds may sing tales of our facinorous deeds!
Prince C: You mean facinaceous deeds.
Prince A: The very same!
[All princes exheunt]
Afrit: Enjoy my gifts wrought by your own ineptitude, fair princes! And never return to reveal your presence here again, lest I bestow even more of your wishes upon you!
[laughing wildly, the afrit exheunts]





No News=No Posts…Damn it Jack Knox

9 07 2009

Dear Lifeless Internet Addicts,

It was brought to my attention last night that some of you are disgruntled at the lack of posts recently.

I therefore ask of you what is there to write about?

Victoria news=boring boring boring boring boring boring boring. This is proven through our front page stories that depict the stories of the weather (June sets record high for sun) and of outragiously boring religious modernizations (World’s oldest bible now viewable via internet). Yes, we DID have Canada Day but the time it takes me to write an article is apparently greater than the time it takes Jack Knox to write one. So it remains unpublished due to my intent to be differant.

So solutions:
                          1. Leave a paper bag with a battery inside and a piece of wire sticking out the top downtown. Not only will this accomplish headline news, it will give me something of a basis to rant about the idiotic teens of today.
                          2. Go through a drive through pretending to be driving a car. Demand orders. Act surprised when they don’t see your vehicle. This will give me the material to write a moderized edition of The Emperor’s New Clothes.
                          3. Convince Sarah Palin to un-resign from governor of Alaska. Her in office gives me a lifetime of meterial.
                          4. Convince Jack Knox to retire. Without him writing articles faster than I can (seriously, I was a paragraph into MY Canada Day Take when the internet Times Colonist of July 2nd was emailed to me) I will have a much better chance at publishing stories.
                          5. Kill Jack Knox. Depending on your area of expertise this could prove more or less difficult than solution #4.
                        
The sixth and obviously less desirable option is one *could* go find entertainment elsewhere. But I am not suggesting this solution. The penalties are great and include the absense of lame jokes and a sudden sharp pain in the left pinky toe.

Sincerly,
The Little Hulk





The Lost Symbol–abridged edition. WARNING. DAN BROWN SPOILERS.

19 05 2009

      It all will start with a man, a man with a superior skill that drives him ahead of fellow man. A special skill, that will inevitably lead to being summoned to a far-away country. Around the same time, someone in our gallant young hero’s life will die. Possibly his father, but maybe not. So when this man is called across the world to solve some mystery, he will discover something complex, and unearth a cleverly hidden controversy. In his discovery of said controversy he will then realize he is being chased by a secret squad of killers, led by their ‘teacher’. It is then that we readers realize the deadly fate that awaits any who come in contact with our hero. Our hero meets a girl upon his adventure, who ultimatly becomes linked to the crucial solving of the mystery, and the closing of the case. It ends with the realization that the ‘teacher’ is no one other than the one closest to our hero in the first place–twist ending!!–and the story comes to a close with the epic battle between the man and his new foe, ending with his miraculous completly unrealistic escape and proclomation of undying love for his new lady friend.

THE END.





Alaskan Volcano Erupts, Sarah Palin Dead, World Cheers…

23 03 2009

…Joking, well, kinda.

How exciting it is that today’s headline news was the close-to-home volcanic eruptions. Airplanes have been warned to stay away. (On a shallow note, how funny would it be for an airplane to fly above an erupting volcano? I’m a terrible person…)

In other news Fox News appologized to Canada for their despicable, hurtful, and ignorant comments (Aid to Defense Minister Dugas) aired in the Red Eye mockery of our Canadian Army. Greg Gutfield appologized for the satirical approach at which he and his coworkers poked fun at the announcement that Canadian Armed Forces would need a year to rebuild from Afghanistan. The show, which is a satirical take on the days top stories asked forth the question isn’t this a great time to invade this ridiculous country? They have no army… and let known the fact that the forces were going to then have time to do some yoga…run on the beach in gorgeous white capris…

The response to this segment was slightly shocking in my opinion. From reading the government response and the viewer comments on the TC website, we as canadians “took offense” to this take on our Canadian ways, and I read comments ranging from a simple It’s Fox News-Expect it to They are terrible they should not mock those who fight and die maybe we should send them some of the soldiers who’s lives have been changed forever by Afghanistan and see how they feel then… Aside from the small lack of punctuation many of these readers have forgotten one simple thing:

Satire: noun. The use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.

Moral of the Day: Shy away from spewing mountains and get a damn dictionary.





Super Toast

19 03 2009

So in the interest of getting back down to lightweight one of the rowers has started this program that logs how many calories you burn vs how many you eat a day. And aside from us figuring it is slightly inaccourate (Does an hour of rowing REALLY burn 1300 calories????!!!!) it is quite amusing to log the food in and see what we’re eating.

So at breakfast at Matticks this morning after practice, as we all sit eating goopy fatty calorie laden french toast she pulls out her phone and starts adding.

500 calories a piece. Probably more the way they make it and once we’ve put syrup and jam and butter on it. Which means the three pieces = *dun dun duuunnnn* 1500 ish + calories.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. I find that SO amusing for some reason, you know, the “eating 2000 a day” rule has seemingly gone out the window. But mostly it was amusing to learn that her steady state only burned enugh calories for one and a bit pieces of french toast. :P I think somewhere something in the Diet Diary has gone wrong…





Adventures Not-Seat Racing

7 03 2009
Sooooo funny story today that I thought you may enjoy.
*clears throat* AHEM.
So today we were seat racing the varsity girls against the strongest of the JV’s for our Brentwood eight. In coxed fours.
And it started out quite nicely, water was calm, and it was sunny. And then it got windyer. But that’s not the point of this story. Nope nope. this story is about the FISHERMAN. *dun dun dunnnnnnn*
So anyways
we were at Hamsterly Beach and seat racing down to the club, and we were backing as close to the shore as we could to get a run on it, and there’s this fisherdude off the wall (between the two beaches)
And his line was about 10 meters out, so we stayed about 10 meters away–wide berth–and he starts YELLING at us. First I wasn’t sure if he was worried we would hit his lines or not so we just pulled way far away (like, seriously, there were about 20 meters between us and his lines by then) and he is jsut SCREAMING at us and the other four. And I’ll include a pretty accurate script:
Fisherman: “STAY AWAY FROM MY LINES. I AM A LISCENSED SPORTS FISHERMAN. YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD MANY TIMES TO STAY AWAY FROM ME. DON’T YOU KNOW IT’S ILLEGAL TO INTERFERE WITH A LISENCED FISHERMAN? GO UP THE BEACH.”
There was a little profanity but I edited that bit out. Same message just fewer words.
Anyways the girl who was coxing the other four was freaking out a little, cause she had never coxed before (just one of the JV lightweight girls) and so I was trying to keep both my four and hers calm, and the girl in my bow was getting really upset and kept trying to explain and appologizing. And he was like “ALL I HAVE TO DO IS CALL THE MINISTRY OF FISHERIES ON YOU AND YOU WILL BE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE.”
And at this point my stroke seat yells “DO IT.”
And then our coach comes over and by this time everyone is either pissed off (the other four and the other coxie and my stroke) or getting really upset (my bow three) or laughing (me) and the coach was like “we’re gonna start” so I told the rowers to just ignore him and let the coxies worry about him, and he was screaming about how we were responsible and he goes “DIDN’T YOUR MOTHERS TEACH YOU ANY RESPECT?” (at which point I said “nope, sorry” I couldn’t help myself) and then he reeled in his line and tried to CAST IT AT ME. WITH A HOOK ON THE END. A HOOK. AND HE AIMED FOR MY HEAD. WHHHHHAT? So anyways I jsut told everyone to ignire him and I would worry about him and just concentrate on the seat racing, and it was so windy at that point that they could only really concentrate on that, and he started taking PICTURES of us. so some people had started joining me in laughing at this point and were giving him thumbs up or other forms of “sign language” for the photo and kelsey (my bow) yells “You want to get all legal on me? I’M A MINOR. YOU DON’T HAVE PERMISSION to take PHOTOS of me.”
And then we rowed away. And after we had started our coach (who was pretty mad at this point) climbs ashore and walks over to the fisher dude. And my coach is Chris Aylard. WHo is on the U23 hwt mens team. Who is 7 feet tall. This fisherman was pretty tiny in comparison.
My coach said afterwards “He didn’t have much so say once we were side by side. But I did. It was very colourful. I didn’t want you guys to see or hear.”
 
SO anyways. We had to go in cause it got too windy. But that’s my story. We didn’t seat race, but it was a HILARIOUS (in my opinion) row all the same.